I was blessed in my youth with several great male role models in my life. My grandfather…the love of my life, several uncles who were awesome and fun and then there was him. The one who looked at me with love in his eyes every time he looked at me. If my grandfather is the love of my life, then he is my guiding light. The one who only had to call my name to make me feels special and to say I had disappointed him to bring me to tears. Awww the days of youth. But I digress because today…
It’s another of those days that happen on occasion. I’m guessing they will occur for the rest of my life. But at least I’ve finally figured it out – there is no reason to reinvent the wheel. Just understand what you are going through and go through it. I have many feelings. Many moods. Many upswings and down days. But today I realize exactly what the problem is and I am simply going with it.
I am missing my best friend. I’m in pain in some places that a medical doctor cannot diagnose. I’m in a place where my friends cannot console me into joy. I am once again experiencing an “I’m Missing You Day.” Will I ever out grow this? God I don’t know if want to. I would certainly hate to lose this connection with you. I love you and I need you and although painful, I love the connection of feeling the pain of missing you. How can this still be? It is such a comfort to still need you and to believe in my soul that if you were still here, you would make it all better. I’m trying so very hard not to allow your memory to fade.
On this day Big Daddy, I would love to just hear you say, “everything is gonna be alright honey-pot and what isn’t alright in the morning…dismiss it.” There are some blemishes in my life that require dismissal, but there are times I need your strength and hugs to be strong enough to do what I need to do. I still need you! So as I said on my last “I’m Missing You Day,” You raised me to be a survivor, but there are days the survivor in me just wants to vacation and allow the mushy me to just be soft, mushy and in pain.