Just chill. Its what I tell myself several times a day, and many times to no avail. Its hard. As crazy as it sounds, its hard to just do nothing. I have never been clinically diagnosed with anxiety, but it runs in my immediate family, so I’ve just self diagnosed myself, well, Google and I have. I often find myself stressing about the most far-fetched “what if”. What if his shoe comes untied while he’s riding his bike, and it gets caught in his pedal and then he falls in the middle of the street while there’s a car coming? Panic ensues in…5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Crazy speech about making sure your shoes are tied so you don’t get hit by a car, following in…5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
I really do try to be calm and let the kids just have fun, but its hard. Its hard to just be calm period. I’m always moving around like a mad woman. I’m cleaning, I’m re-organizing, I’m doing the dishes, I’m trying to potty train, or teach abc’s, I’m sweeping, I’m mopping, I’m disinfecting the couch (look, strange things happen in a house of boys). What I fail miserably at, is just being. In moments of just being you can listen; in these moments you can take in just how much you have been blessed with, and in these moments you can just breathe. These are the moments when you sit and cuddle, or the moments when you make silly faces, tell jokes, do embarrassing dances, or laugh until you cry.
These are the moments that I wish I had more of. Sometimes I just wish I could stop the wheels in my brain from turning, and just relax. What I am slowly starting to learn is that I can. Yes, there’s always going to be a million things to do, a million what ifs, and a million outside forces that I cannot control. That’s life. However, you don’t get a million chances at life, just one. You can’t re-do moments, and you can’t go back in time. I’m tired of always ruining the fun, I am learning to make the conscious decision to live, to enjoy, to embrace, to just be.