Don’t Stop Touching Me: An Open Letter to My Husband

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Lovers at SunsetSometimes, I pretend to be asleep so that you won’t touch me.  It’s not that I don’t want you to touch me.  I do.  I mean, isn’t that part of why we got married?  Because we couldn’t not not touch each other?  I love it when you touch me.  It reminds me that I am more than just someone’s Mom.  It reminds me of that other life I once lived.  You know, the one where the sexy underwear fit without encouraging muffin top.  That other life where dinner wasn’t expected at exactly 5:27 pm and bath time meant something a little different than bubbles and rubber ducks.  Where a glass of wine was savored not sucked down (or thrown out).  That other life where we talked instead of texted.  Where we had real and meaningful conversations instead of an email chain.

I want you to touch me.  But all I have to offer you is this new but old, different version of the woman you married.  I traded that lingerie for dirty sweat pants and a stained over sized t-shirt.  I smell like the baby’s dinner.  Somehow, I’m sticky.  I’m pretty sure there are dried peas in my hair.  The hard stuff these days is coffee.  Lots of it.  My perspective has changed.  My love for you has, too.  It’s deeper and more intimate.  It’s more powerful and profound.  And as much as I would like for you to roll over and love on me, I feel unworthy of your touch.

You tell me all the time that you don’t mind the softness of my body.  That it reflects the years and love of our life together.  It is the result of our two babies.  You don’t care about the last ten pounds I’ve been trying to lose.  For three years.  But I do.

I see the pictures of our wedding day and I want, so badly, the effortless beauty of my twenties.  I want to be able to eat the damn pizza and not worry about a 5 AM morning workout.  I want another beer. I want to have the energy of our youth.  I want the carelessness of our courtship.

I don’t want to have to try.

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lk herndon is a mother, writer, teacher whose debut children’s book, “Petunia”, has just been released on Amazon.

Shaped by her experiences growing up Southern, lk herndon tells sweet and simple stories. She earned her BA in Political Science, her MFA in Creative Non-Fiction and has spent more than a decade teaching high school subjects such as: AP Language and American Literature, Honors World Literature, World History, and American History.

While her days are spent in the classroom, the balance of time is spent as Mama to her Monogram Mafia (alongside her very favorite partner-in-chaos, former high school sweetheart and now husband of nearly seven years, BJ). Sneaking in time to write between the snuggles and squeals, lk herndon graces the world with a sneak peek into real life adventures sprinkled with overgrown imaginations and uncommon sense.

Follow her blog lkherndon.com

2 COMMENTS

  1. Beautifully written, painfully true. There is no question that having little kids changes your marriage drastically.

    I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but a woman who can express herself as eloquently as you can and can love your girls so fiercely is beautiful inside and out. Keep trying to lose that last ten pounds if you feel like you want to, but please stop judging yourself for having it to lose. And never underestimate the renewing value of a shower and freshly shaved legs! It works wonders for your self-image.

  2. How beautiful and sad and touching! It’s so difficult to separate being a mother and then being an attractive wife when you finally get that rare alone time together. Most of the time its much easier to just embrace sleep because if our minds get going, it’s so easy to see all the things about yourself that has changed from when you first met.

    This was a great read – thank you for sharing!

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