A Stay at Home Mom’s Secret Resentment

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Before I had kids and before I was married I had big fat dreams of living in New York City and owning my own Event Planning Company. I’d wear high-end clothes that even Olivia Pope would envy. I’d be invited to fancy galas and black tie events. I’d even be honored at a few of them. I had it all mapped out. I’d be married by 27 and I’d have my first and only child at age 32. Instead I had my first of 3 children at 23 and was married a few months later. In reality I found myself wiping butts and cleaning like a maid-not quite how I planned things out. Somewhere in between all of my plans and dreams I got lost amid meal planning, potty training and following my husband for his career.

If I’m being honest sometimes I resent being a stay at home mom. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for the privilege. To be able to stay home with my children and watch them grow and learn before my eyes is one of my greatest blessings and one that my mother couldn’t afford, but every so often I think of what my life could’ve been, who I could’ve been and who I might’ve inspired, if I had focused more on my career.

A few weeks ago an old college friend of mine sent me a friend request on Facebook along with a message that read;

“Hey what have you been up to!? I thought you would’ve taken over the world by now! I remember how ambitious you were and how you had all of these cool ideas!”

That message made me proud and broke my heart at the same time. I was proud to be remembered as innovative and ambitious but my heart was broken because I was nowhere near “Taking over the world”.

I started blogging after a series of breakdowns. I’d cry to my husband every couple of months about how I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything besides making babies. Like a good husband he’d assure me that I was doing the most valuable work by staying home with the kids but his consoling wasn’t enough. When he’d come home with good news of a promotion or an award he was being given I’d secretly envy his achievements. The worst times were when he’d have a graduation for completing some competitive military school. I’d hear his name called and I’d yearn for someone to call my name for something-anything. I was always very proud of him because I knew he had earned it but I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of recognition I’d be getting if I had an actual career. What kind of plaque would have my name on it? Who would acknowledge me for my “Hard work and Dedication”?

Some may think that its selfish of me to feel this way and to an extent it probably is, but either way it’s honest. I love being a stay at home mom but at the same time I need room to grow, I need a way to measure my success. So in my quest to take over the world I’ll start with one word at a time.

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