With So Many Rules and Consequences, How Do You Actually Get to Know Your Child?

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What if ...We all want our children to behave well socially and to follow rules in the house and publicly. It’s counterintuitive to think if a rule is broken that there isn’t an immediate consequence. That’s been a parenting approach for eons. But, let’s question it anyway.

Questions About Rule Making
• However, how uncompromising should rules be?
• When should they be set up?
• When should they change?
• How do you devise rules that fit different children at different ages?
• What if parents disagree about the rules?

Questions about Consequences
• What is the purpose of the consequences?
• Is a consequence enforced to teach a lesson that the rule must be followed?
• What if the consequence doesn’t work and you start running out of stricter ones?
• If rules aren’t followed and consequences don’t enforce them, do you lose your credibility as an authority? As a guide?

The Approach of Parental Intelligence: When a Rule is Broken, Question the Meaning

Let’s say your teenager breaks curfew by half an hour and you ground him for a week. During the week he resents you, broods in his room, and you never find out why he came in late because he’s not in the mood to confide in you. What’s the gain, especially if after the punishment, he comes in late again. What has he learned? What have you learned?
Alternatively, discuss with your child where he’s going and when he thinks it’s reasonable to come home. If you disagree, state why like he has a soccer game the next day and he’ll be too tired to play well and you know that’s important to him or it’s too late to ask a parent to pick him up and you know the kids will be drinking and he can’t ride home with them safely.

Preserving the Parent-Child Bond

In other words, have a discussion respecting your child’s opinion and make the rule fit the situation. If it’s ten o’clock for the soccer circumstance, if he’s late, he’ll be tired and probably won’t play well. He creates his own natural consequence. After the game he knows he can come to you and talk about his playing because he trusts you understand. He learned his own lesson, not yours and you preserved the parent-child bond.

The Meaning Behind the Broken Rule

Then you may learn that the reason he broke the rule was because he was really interested in staying later to win the heart of a girl he likes. That was the meaning of the broken rule. Now you’ve been included in a discussion of his heartaches. All that would be missed if you enforced a random consequence that just created distance between you.

Building a Relationship by Understanding Your Child’s Mind

If you want to be a guide with authority for your child, you need his respect. He respects a parent who wants to get to know what is on his mind. Then together he learns from you about planning and problem solving including setting priorities, facing disappointments and frustrations, and trusting you will help him sort out conflicting needs and goals.

It’s not so counter-intuitive anymore. Your parenting mindset has changed. Consequences and punishments don’t figure into the relationship equation. Instead you are helping your child grow, mature, and work out rules for a life he can be proud to share with you.

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with an upcoming book, Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior. The book includes a selection of stories about parents who find wisdom in a new parenting mindset.


Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst and author who does psychotherapy with infants and parents, children, adolescents, and adults. Dr. Hollman's new book: Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child's Behavior is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Familius.com. She writes about infant, child and adolescent development, mental health, Parental Intelligence, and a broad range of parenting topics.

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